Russ | January 3, 2012
Four years ago you held caucuses, and came up with Mike “Aw-Shucks Nanny-Statist” Huckabee as your chosen winner. The only thing that kept me from going nuclear on you then was that I recognized the ease, the slickness with which Huckabee had been able to con voters throughout his career. You have another chance tonight. [...]
Russ | November 27, 2010
To: movie directors From: an ordinary viewer If your movie is set in the middle of World War 2, you might want to consider keeping any stray nuclear power plant cooling towers out of frame. That is all. [Well, no, that's not all, but it's a start.]
Russ | March 23, 2010
A few thoughts for the GOP, if they intend to retake and eventually retain majorities in the House and Senate: 1) “Repeal and replace” — that’s a good first effort. Keep trying. Don’t let the message get stale. 2) Emphasize our founding principles. 3) You might also consider somehow working “tar” and “feathers” into the [...]
Russ | January 30, 2010
To: Cats From: Management 1) I understand that from time to time, you will be eager to eat everything within reach, and many things that are not. This is fine; eat what you want, as long as it’s clearly designated as cat food. 2) I also understand that from time to time, you may overdo [...]
Russ | October 13, 2008
To: Cats From: Management I have had a long night at work, and I’m extremely tired — due in no small part to your insistence yesterday, during the hours of the morning I tried to sleep, on having an extended verbal disagreement. Mycah: the boys are just trying to play. There’s no need to get [...]
Russ | August 22, 2008
From: Management To: the Cats (Mycah, Kismet, Packet) It has come to our attention that in the past 24 hours, certain of the house rules have been, to be kind about it, overlooked. In light of this, we would like to remind you of the standards we expect our guests to maintain. 1) The litterboxes [...]
Russ | December 6, 2006
To: Mycah From: the Food Provider Subject: Pre-dawn barfing Please don’t. One lapse in decorum is more than adequate.
Russ | May 3, 2006
Thanks for coming. We have sampled your various cuisines. Lots of good food there. Thanks. But now we have your recipes. Your culinary contributions to America have been noted. Now go home.
Russ | March 28, 2006
About those water cannon you’re using: add some soap. Seriously. Those are French students you’re hosing down. Employez le savon. Ils sentent terribles.
Russ | November 27, 2005
To: Technical Underlings From: Your Escalation Engineer 1) The proper greeting when I walk in the door at the start of my duty shift is “Hi, Russ” or some similarly generic greeting. It is not “I have an escalation for you” or, despite the evident faith and confidence you place in my abilities, “Man, am [...]