Dear Iowa,

| January 3, 2012

Four years ago you held caucuses, and came up with Mike “Aw-Shucks Nanny-Statist” Huckabee as your chosen winner. The only thing that kept me from going nuclear on you then was that I recognized the ease, the slickness with which Huckabee had been able to con voters throughout his career. You have another chance tonight. […]

Memo to Hollywood

| November 27, 2010

To: movie directors From: an ordinary viewer If your movie is set in the middle of World War 2, you might want to consider keeping any stray nuclear power plant cooling towers out of frame. That is all. [Well, no, that's not all, but it's a start.]

Memo to the GOP

| March 23, 2010

A few thoughts for the GOP, if they intend to retake and eventually retain majorities in the House and Senate: 1) “Repeal and replace” — that’s a good first effort. Keep trying. Don’t let the message get stale. 2) Emphasize our founding principles. 3) You might also consider somehow working “tar” and “feathers” into the […]

Memo to the cats

| January 30, 2010

To: Cats From: Management 1) I understand that from time to time, you will be eager to eat everything within reach, and many things that are not. This is fine; eat what you want, as long as it’s clearly designated as cat food. 2) I also understand that from time to time, you may overdo […]

Note to the cats

| October 13, 2008

To: Cats From: Management I have had a long night at work, and I’m extremely tired — due in no small part to your insistence yesterday, during the hours of the morning I tried to sleep, on having an extended verbal disagreement. Mycah: the boys are just trying to play. There’s no need to get […]

Memorandum: Housekeeping

| August 22, 2008

From: Management To: the Cats (Mycah, Kismet, Packet) It has come to our attention that in the past 24 hours, certain of the house rules have been, to be kind about it, overlooked. In light of this, we would like to remind you of the standards we expect our guests to maintain. 1) The litterboxes […]

Memo to The Cat

| December 6, 2006

To: Mycah From: the Food Provider Subject: Pre-dawn barfing Please don’t. One lapse in decorum is more than adequate.

A Note to Illegal Aliens

| May 3, 2006

Thanks for coming. We have sampled your various cuisines. Lots of good food there. Thanks. But now we have your recipes. Your culinary contributions to America have been noted. Now go home.

A Note to the Paris Riot Police

| March 28, 2006

About those water cannon you’re using: add some soap. Seriously. Those are French students you’re hosing down. Employez le savon. Ils sentent terribles.

Note to 1st and 2nd Level Network Engineers

| November 27, 2005

To: Technical Underlings From: Your Escalation Engineer 1) The proper greeting when I walk in the door at the start of my duty shift is “Hi, Russ” or some similarly generic greeting. It is not “I have an escalation for you” or, despite the evident faith and confidence you place in my abilities, “Man, am […]

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