Thus Spake Russ

Posted By Russ Emerson on May 30, 2007 at 7:56 pm

A news clipping from my hometown newspaper from a few months ago:

Scooter hits 2 vehicles
3 drivers get citations

Right away we know we have a winner of an article, here.

Santa Barbara – A 27-year-old Santa Barbara man riding on a homemade scooter — a lawnmower engine attached to a skateboard deck — hit two vehicles Tuesday afternoon at rush hour after his brakes failed.

Homemade scooter… in traffic… at rush hour. Bong hits required: seven, minimum.

The man was approaching the intersection of Old Coast Road and Hot Springs Road

One of the busiest intersections in town, I might mention. A nearly perfect place to audition for the next “Faces of Death” video.

and “clipped” one vehicle in the rear while “slaloming” between cars in an attempt to slow down, said Santa Barbara police Lt. Paul McCaffrey. He then rear-ended a stopped vehicle and was ejected from the seat of his unlicensed, unregistered scooter, which flew backward and struck the vehicle behind.

Inspector Clouseau could hardly have done better. But here’s the punchline:

The operator of the scooter possessed a suspended license, the driver of the rear vehicle was unlicensed, and the driver of the front vehicle possessed an expired licence — all received citations. The drivers of the vehicles were uninjured, and the scooter operator was taken to Cottage Hospital for minor injuries.
[emphasis mine – R.]

The traffic trifecta!
Based on the content of the article, and knowing my hometown as I do, I would bet money that:

1. the scooter driver (suspended license) would fall into the category of “burnt-out druggie surfer,”
2. the rear vehicle driver (no license) was an illegal alien, and
3. the front vehicle driver (expired licence) was a citizen of extremely advanced years.

All three categories of which, I might add, Santa Barbara has in abundance.
There’s no place like home, indeed.

Categories: Idiots
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