Tomorrow’s Headlines Today
Posted By Russ Emerson on August 31, 2005 at 5:44 pm
I can see it now…
Bush Administration Ignoring Clean Air Standards
Scientists Predict Spike in Air Pollution Levels
The destructive power of hurricane Katrina was seemingly diminished by comparison today when EPA Administrator and Bush crony Stephen L. Johnson unleashed his full fury on the environment.
Using the pretense of weather-induced shortages of oil and gas, Johnson – known to be in the pocket of Big Oil – today suspended critical life-saving standards for sulphur and volatility in diesel fuel and gasoline. The suspension is allegedly scheduled to last through the 15th of September, though trusted sources say the “temporary” suspension is an obvious prelude to the permanent dismantling of clean air standards.
In a response, the Center for Science in the Public Interest announced their prediction that air pollution levels would skyrocket, soaring by an estimated 0.0004 percent.
“The none-too-subtle machinations of the Halliburton-Enron-Cheney axis are finally bearing their poisoned fruit,” said one scientist, who explained the tie-dyed ski-mask he wore by suggesting he might otherwise meet with an untimely accident. “This hurricane is clearly the biggest put-up job in all of recorded history.”
“Come the revolution,” noted another scientist, boldly clad in an coordinated ensemble of “No Nukes” apparel, “the clean air standards will be returned to their pre-Bush levels, then we will continue to extend them. CO2 must be reduced, and if millions, or perhaps billions of people have to stop breathing in order to meet our clean air goals, well, that’s a small price to pay for saving Mother Gaia.”
“What about Kyoto?” added a third scientist, delicately emphasizing the point by pounding one of her Birkenstocks on the table. “We must end the national and global obsession with this ‘liquid crack,’ and if we have to force people to do without, it’s only because we know best.”
Bush administration officials declined to comment.
In related news, the sky is falling.
You recall all of the weekly, nay, DAILY reports of massive oil spills from off the coast of TX, LA & AL, don’t you? THAT’S why we can’t drill for OUR OWN OIL off the coast of Florida or in ANWR.
Oh, that doesn’t happen? Nevermind.
You hear daily of the massive numbers of deaths from US citizens being in close proximity to oil refineries and THAT’S why we can’t build NEW AND IMPROVED oil refineries, for the first time in nearly three decades.
Oh, that doesn’t happen either? Nevermind.
F.E.T.E.