Thus Spake Russ

Posted By Russ Emerson on January 27, 2005 at 12:36 pm

A 2nd Lieutenant met an untimely end and found himself standing before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

Said St. Peter, “Welcome, Lieutenant. You have served faithfully, and may enter Heaven.”

“Well,” said the shavetail, “I’d sure like to come in, but if there are any Sergeants Major in Heaven, I don’t want to go in. If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s being treated like a child by a cigar-chewing, know-it-all, been-everywhere, seen-everything Sergeant Major.”

“No,” said Peter, “there’s not a single Sergeant Major who ever made it here to Heaven. Not a one. Now, report up to the Heaven HQ for your assignment. It’s that gold building at the top of that hill.”

“I figured as much,” thought the LT to himself as he marched through the Pearly Gates.

Moving towards the golden building, the Lieutenant realized how orderly the setting around him was, and knew he would be very happy in Heaven. Every street had been policed, all the grass freshly mown, and every rock painted. Getting closer to HQ, though, he began to hear what sounded like yelling coming from one of the open windows. He crept up to investigate.

Looking in the window, he saw what he feared most — a Sergeant Major, leaning back in a swivel chair, feet up on his desk, shouting into a telephone and waving a cigar around. Around the desk, half a dozen junior officers were doing pushups non-stop.

Horrified, the Lieutenant hastened back towards the Gates. “I want out of here ASAP!” he told St. Peter.

“Lieutenant!” cried Pete, “what’s wrong? I thought you were going to be happy here!”

“Happy?” wailed the young shavetail. “How can I be happy here? I spent my too-short career being condescended to by every Sergeant Major I ever saw! I hate them! And when I asked if there were any here, you said no!” He described what he had seen.

“Oh!” said the saint, “No, no, no. That wasn’t a Sergeant Major at all…. You see, that was God — He just thinks he’s a Sergeant Major!”

[Old joke, brought to mind by this post at Castle Argghhh!]

Category: Entertainment, Soldiers/Vets | 5 Comments »
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Posted By Russ Emerson on January 27, 2005 at 8:11 am

While googling and clicking around to try to find out exactly what the blood relationship is between “second cousins” — I never really understood the whole “first cousin twice removed” or “second cousin once removed” thing, or indeed anything more complicated than “cousin” — I ran across Cousin Couples.
For the record: no thank you.
OK, OK, I know that historically and culturally in most places on Earth, there is nothing wrong with first cousins marrying each other. Indeed, in some places in the world, there’s no one but cousins to marry. To this day, it is apparently acceptable (or at least legal) in most places in the world, including every country in Europe, in Japan, Mexico, and Canada. Indeed, I have distant Canadian relatives who I believe are first cousins married to each other, though I may be misinformed on the matter.
The cultural taboo against cousin marriage in this country is another thing altogether, perhaps because it is illegal in most (but by no means all) of the States, though maybe the cause and effect are the other way around. Certainly, all the “inbred hillbilly” jokes haven’t exactly made the practice much respected in this country.
I have plenty of cousins, and I love them all.
Just not that way.

Category: Miscellany | 1 Comment »
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