Being a balding coffee junkie, this was bound to catch my eye:

Coffee to cure baldness

It's from Pravda — so you know it has to be true!

German medics arrived at the conclusion that consumption of large caffeine doses prevents baldness.

Massive doses of coffee every day didn't help me. Why didn't this study come along ten years ago when it might have done me some good?

Male's hormone testosterone is responsible for baldness in men, meaning that the more testosterone a man as, the more prone he is to losing his hair.

Oh. Well, that explains it.

Head of the research team Professor Peter Elsner states that hormonal boldness could in fact be prevented by means of caffeine.

As a result of their extensive research studies, German scientists arrived at a fascinating conclusion! Apparently, claim the scientists, it is possible to prevent baldness at an early age by means of treating hair with products containing caffeine (for instance by rubbing a special solution into the scalp).

What, I'm supposed to have dunked my head in the coffee urn? That would, y'know, hurt... plus, it might slop coffee on the floor, which would be a catastrophe.

However, the scientific team advises coffee lovers against consuming their favorite beverage in excess to fight baldness.

Oh, now they tell me. I guess all that coffee every day hasn't done me any good... not for baldness, at least.

According to an expert-cosmetologist Adolf Klenka, "one would need to consume 60-80 cups of coffee per day for the caffeine to reach hair follicles."

OK — if I have to cut down, I have to cut down.

Professor Elsner in turn notes that "even though a person would be willing to do just that for beauty"s sake, our research did not cover the way caffeine intake influences one"s scalp. We did prove however that caffeine should be used as an external substance that should be applied directly onto the scalp."

External substance... feh! Humbug! Caffeine is made to be ingested, period.

According to him, those men who are genetically predisposed to baldness, should consider such "caffeine therapy" while they are still relatively young.

Whoops. Too late for me.

German medics consider that rubbing coffee ground into the scalp is the most effective way to prevent baldness.

And the least effective way to get caffeine into the bloodstream, where it belongs. I'll keep my hot cup o' java and my shiny scalp, thanks very much.

Posted by Russ at 10:29 PM, December 18, 2004 in News